Enhancing Your Assertiveness & Clearing Out The Fear (Part 1 of 3)

how to be more assertive and create boundaries

Do you have a problem saying 'no' to certain people? Do you overextend yourself, always giving away your time and energy? Do you sometimes feel like your energy field is violated around certain people you come in contact with? Do you feel like your needs aren't met and a lot of your relationships are a one way street? Do you sometimes feel taken advantage of for your kindness? 

Well this is the blog post series for you! My goal through these next few blogs is to aid you in alleviating stress and enhancing your self-care. I am mainly in the business of fixing the energy of homes, but your energy is important too! Plus I am a certified Assertiveness Coach, so I wanted to share some helpful tips.

3 Part Blog Post: 

  1. How to become more assertive (this post will cover this)

  2. How to shield yourself from negativity & cleanse your auric field

  3. How to enhance your self-care regiment and boost your energy

This blog post is part 1 of a 3 series post. I wanted to give as much as information as I could, since it is such an important topic right now. With everything going on in America, we truly need to declutter the negative in our daily lives to keep our stress and fear levels on the low. No one has time anymore to be living small, giving away their life and energy to people who gladly take advantage of it. It isn't fair, and I don't want you falling into this cycle because you are too kind. You can still be both kind and assertive, I promise.  

I want to start out by giving you an explanation of the different forms of communication and show you how to become more assertive. The forms of communication are passive-aggression, aggression and assertion. I am sure you know people who communicate with each of these categories, including yourself.  My mission through this post, is for you to start meandering your way into being an assertive person and start putting your needs first. Let's get started. 

Forms of Communication

What is assertiveness? It is a form of commutation that promotes self-care and honesty . Through assertiveness, both the communicator and the listeners rights are accounted for. There is no tip-toeing around the subject and there are no means of aggression. This is the only good-natured form of dialogue. If you properly assess how you feel, and then communicate that with a clear mind and heart, your life will become a lot easier. This isn't about changing other people, it is about you expressing yourself appropriately. Communicating "I feel upset because of this..."  not 'You make me feel like this!'. Taking responsibility for how you feel, there is no blame, and allows for the person to respond without being on the offense. I will explain more about this further down in the post.

What is passive-aggression? Passive-aggressive people (this was me for a very long time), are afraid to basically speak the truth, so they use language to indirectly communicate their anger or feelings. Sarcasm is a great example of this, using humor to explain how they really feel and what seems like a joke is really the truth. Hinting is another example, not directly telling others how you feel. This form of communication really confuses a lot of people, and the truth is never discussed formally. Becoming a completely passive person could result in pent up emotions, and if held too long, could result in disease.  Learning to speak your truth will release you from so many things that weigh you down.

What is aggression? Aggression appears when feelings come out so strongly, and intensely, that they do not have regard for any other person. This can appear as yelling, screaming, verbal abuse, threatening behavior, or even at the worst, violence. This can be very scary and traumatizing for everyone involved. This can occur from not being able to express yourself, the emotions build up in your body and is let out all at once. Sometimes passive people can get to this stage of communication after awhile of being pushed, and pushed. 

Now that you know the different forms of communication, let's talk about the characteristics of an assertive person.

Characteristics of Assertive People

Assertive people put themselves first and truly honor their time and body. Most of us were taught to be really selfless and giving people through forms of religion, upbringing and society. Let me explain why it is so important to put your needs at your top priority. If you don't take care of yourself, then how will you be able to be your best self for others? If you're tired and need sleep, or need to take a break and relax, then exerting your own energy to lend a hand becomes an annoyance. This will start to create a negative emotion when it comes to helping people.

I am sure you have been in those situations where you finally lay down after a long day at work, turn on the tv to watch 'This is Us', and your phone rings... someone needs you to drop everything and give them your full attention. Your heart sinks, but you go to the calling because that is just what 'good people' do, right? Its an exhausting cycle that happens over and over and over. An assertive person would respect themselves enough to let the phone ring until after their show is over. Why? Because it is their 'me time', and in the chaos of daily life we all know 'me time' can be scarce. Let me give you some insight on what your life could look like if you become more assertive. 

Assertive people take care of their bodies and respect themselves. They eat healthy food, chew slowly, and truly enjoy their meals. They honor their bodies by not eating quickly on the go, they sit down and allow themselves to indulge. They go for walks or to the gym if they know that is what their body needs. They help people all the time, but on their own terms! Assertive people get good sleep because they allow themselves to 'turn off' at a certain time, being respectful of their time and needs. They speak their truth, and communication with their peers is a breeze. Balance is key here, it sounds nice, doesn't it? 

Practices to Become More Assertive

With all this said,  you could have some resistance to practicing assertion. You might have fear of being judged, people might think you are selfish. You could have a fear to hurt other people with honesty, a fear of the person being mad, or even fear of rejection. It is true, if you have allowed people to take advantage of your kindness and suddenly start respecting yourself, people could potentially get mad. But why would want someone like that around you in the first place? Being assertive is respectful, very honest, and real. If you do have any fear related to this, I have provided a meditation to help you release the fear and strengthen your heart chakra below. This is your time hunny, no one has the luxury to sit by and get taken advantage of any longer. This is your one life as you now, you are so important, and the people who are in your life that are positive will truly support you because they love and respect you. 

  1. Practice assertive communication: Stop yelling or blaming others for how you feel. Take responsibility for your own feelings. If you're talking to someone tell them 'I feel this way because of what happened and I'm feeling a bit unloved right now' not 'you make me feel like crap'. Always speak your truth, being honest allows for so much freedom.

  2. Practice saying no: If you don't want to do something don't do it. Remember NO IS A COMPLETE SENTENCE. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do, period. If you don't feel like going to the market right now because your tired, don't go. If you don't feel like doing your children's laundry, don't do it. Wait until you feel good about the task and are well-rested. We will talk more about this later in the blog series but practice saying no now! Try to say no 3 times a day until you get comfortable and more confident saying no.

  3. Create boundaries: No more making other people happy at the expense of yourself, you have the right of personal time and personal needs, the right to say no! Being in touch with what you need will help you create that boundary. After you get home from work, if you want to unplug and have 'me time' for an hour, do it. I'm not saying go out there and don't help people, I want you to help people! If someone is in need, by all means go for it, but just not at the expense of your own health and well-being. If you only want to accept phone calls from 7-8pm on Thursdays then tell your loved ones to call you at that time. Create windows of time when you allow yourself to be available for others, and create time for you too.

  4. Create self-care acts: This will be covered more fully in the third blog post, but what do you love doing? How can you create more time for you? If you're always rushing in the shower because you just 'don't have time' then maybe find a better time for yourself to actually enjoy taking a shower. If you're always eating breakfast on the go or totally skipping it completely, go to bed earlier, wake up earlier, and enjoy your breakfast sitting down. Unplug for certain hours of the day and tell others to respect your time during it. Schedule in some tasks you enjoy doing into your calendar now!

  5. Start clearing out negative people: You know who these people are in your life. They don't make you feel good when you're around them and they don't make you happy! This will be covered fully in the next blog post, but just start thinking about it. If you want to get a jump-start on decluttering people in your life, read my last blog post on how to declutter your contacts list here.

  6. Remove tensions you've had with loved ones: Now that you know the proper way to communicate, call up someone you have tension with still. Tell them you miss them and you do not blame them for anything (because you take responsibility for how you feel now), but you felt a certain way because of what happened and would love to start over again and move forward. Speak your truth, they will respect you for that.

I recommend doing this meditation for 27 days in a row. It will strengthen your heart chakra and allow you to have more self-love. If you really want strengthen your meditation, do it while holding or wearing a RUBY stone or ROSE QUARTZ. They really heighten the self-compassion energy and can give you an even better experience. 

Want some all-natural flower essence help to create more boundaries, self worth and clearing out the negativity? Here are my suggestions to get you started!

Autumn Olive (Confidence, Removal of Fear) Flower Essence
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Cranesbill Geranium (Self-Worth, Positivity) Flower Essence
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Goldenrod (Self-Worth, Backbone Strength) Flower Essence
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I Choose Me (Self-Worth & Boundaries) Flower Essence Blend
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I hope this has served you. 

All my love, Bianca